What happened in 2012

I started the year at a party in Chelsea with my friend Isaline, who I met in Peru in 2009.

I visited Patagonia, AZ with Milad just before the start of the spring semester.

I was chosen as the manager of my Master's program workshop group, which incidentally, was working on a project in Patagonia, Chile.

I stressed out majorly about all the stressful and challenging things that came along with managing this project, but I learned so many things and never for a second wished I didn't have this responsibility.

Xandi, Alice, and Alison came to visit me in NYC. There was a particularly emotional moment before Alice left because it was the end of spring break and I was so overwhelmed at all the work left to do, and I didn't want her to leave!

My team completed our workshop project and briefings with incredible success, without missing major deadlines or majorly screwing up in any way.

I completed all my classes. I spent a crazy last few days of the spring semester working for 14 hours straight in the library...actually, that only seems crazy now. I regularly spent my days like this during the program. No job that ends at 6pm can ever be as hard as this program was.

My whole family and Milad came to NYC in May for my graduation.

I moved home on the last day of May, and went straight to LA where Milad was working for the summer. I spent most of the summer there, coming home to take state employment tests and go to interviews.

The job that I started working to get in March finally interviewed me in July, made an offer, and then it was two months of agonizing delays and uncertainties. This purgatory was the original reason I quit posting here...I couldn't stand to dwell upon the situation and I kept hoping I would have good news. Until suddenly one day I was hired. I got that glorious email while I was at the Biosphere in AZ, where my Master's program was founded. (My program was 12 months long because they stayed at the Biosphere the whole time that first year.)

I went to the Grand Canyon all by myself.

I came home from AZ on a Saturday and started work Monday, September 17.

I got the exact job that I always wanted, that I was perfectly prepared for, where I do things that I want to do and care about. I still can't believe it.

I have started running. Get some motivation over Thanksgiving weekend, add in cute running equipment and before the year's end apparently you'll complete a 3.7 miler in 45 minutes.

My mom's cancer came back.

Milad and I took a weekend trip to Seattle for my birthday.

I moved into my first apartment alone. It has been two weeks and I have moved in completely. It is 6 blocks from my work. I am very happy to be at that stage where the things on my want list are cloth napkin sets and picture frames.

I am getting to spend a week with Milad, including New Years. I wonder what 2013 will bring.

There's only one thing on this list that does not make me happy to think of. There's no way to know what the future holds; give thanks for the items on your list that are blessings, and accept that there will always be a few curses. Though the curses can dim the entire rest of your life, remember: That which you focus on, expands.

IF you are at work

Then you are allowed to not watch this video right now. Otherwise, no excuse.

Interesting how all these people are AT SXSW, witnessing exuberant live music, and are nearly motionless electronic-recording-device zombies....they are grooving out so much less than I would have been, had I been there, indeed much less than I actually am while listening to this song. Although I guess it's thanks to the zombies that I can groove out to it at all.

The joyful job search

I've been thinking about this job search of mine - and although it's really only been 5 weeks since I graduated, and three weeks of full-time job searching, I feel very positive about it. I am going to try to keep this feeling as long as possible-- as long as it takes. (I started writing this post a week and a half ago, and feel it bottled up inside me!)

Yeah, I'm unemployed with lots of debt. But actually, this job search is the luckiest situation I've ever gotten myself into. I have literally been working to get to this point since I was in high school and decided I wanted to do something about climate change for my career. And now I'm actually allowed and permitted and qualified to go searching for that one place that is just right for me. I believe I can find a job making our biggest problems less bad, and there are many job postings, not stars, in my eyes. Being able to go after what you want is a blessing.

How can a job search be joyful?

• Reiterating my qualifications in endless permutations is actually a positive experience. In the process I become extremely convinced of my suitability for the particular position. It feels good. The job search is joyful because the marketer in me comes out and has fun selling the product.
  
• This positivity is ego-boosting because upon reflection I think that my situation is a result of choices and resolutions that I made. I am well-qualified for the jobs I actually want; I have a well-rounded skill set, and this is thanks to my own decisions. I passed the exam for a technical position (that I now have an interview for)-- because the only Master's program I considered taking was the one that was half science. I knew it would be necessary. I was thinking ahead. The job search is joyful because it is intrinsically validating.
  
• I am constantly thinking about the opportunities that other people gave to me. My dad had worked with someone at New America, so I got an interview. My mentors and colleagues at New America handed me golden opportunity after golden opportunity-- to write, research, give presentations, manage projects...The list stretches all the way back, and I could never thank everyone who helped me (and they are still going to bat for me) enough. So the job search is joyful because it makes me feel gratitude.

The most joyful part about this search will of course be the end of it. Because:

1. I'm not always able to stay so positive-- uncertainty and financial insecurity is fuel for fears at those moments when I'm alone in my car, burning CO2, or awake at night, or checking my balances, and 
2. The selection of temptations at Urban Outfitters is truly heartbreaking in the summertime.

Lo mejor está por venir.

So now

Now I am in LA. I've been here since the 31st, when I left Manhattan and arrived at LAX with my precisely 100 pounds of checked luggage (and at least another 75 pounds in my sneaky 3 carry-ons).

What have I been doing so far? Applying for jobs (1 so far this week, another slated for tomorrow), jumping and straining around in the boyfriend's studio apartment with the boyfriend to the accompaniment of P90X workout tapes (today will be day 6), taking lots (well, some) of pictures of the studio and neighborhood (and playing with Instagram, obviously). I read an excellent book about love, set in New York, that I found in a free books pile at 3am. Networking is big on the list, and I'm making good progress. But it's hard to not feel aimless when you're a recent grad without a job.

While I was in New York, I often felt like all I really wanted was to be able to live in the same place as the boyfriend, live together, have a job and normal lives with each other in them every day. I still want that, and obviously staying at home in this studio alone all day doesn't really qualify as having a normal life-- what's missing is the job for me. The fulfillment of working for a cause. But since I've come back I've been very aware of just how HUMAN it is to always feel as though something else, and it is always something, and it doesn't matter what it is, is that missing puzzle piece. This doesn't mean I'm not happy now. It just means that I think it's a little sad that we always feel something is missing. When do we ever feel happy with our lives exactly the way they are? I feel like as soon as the boyfriend and I are living in the same place, AND we both have jobs, AND we're healthy and can pay our bills, and so can the people we care about, AND we can get a puppy, AND I can travel again...then I'll be happy with my life exactly the way it is. ...until then, what? (And when that does happen, will something else become the puzzle piece? Probably.) And why shouldn't I be completely happy with a short vacation here with him?...

Always feeling "only if..." is no way to live.

So now I am going to vacuum, and work on my resume, and finish laundry, and get myself through the 'hood to the grocery store. The pizza plan for tonight is out due to oven-non-working-ness, so we need another option. I'm thinking fish tacos.

That moment you've been waiting for

Or series of moments.

That's what the Dean of SIPA said when the speeches were over and the hundreds of graduates were next up to walk across the stage. This was last Thursday, more than a week ago already. I have been thinking of all kinds of things that I should write about graduating.

Walking across the stage was exciting. I guess it's not surprising- the rest of the whole graduation thing is pretty much taken in stride except that solitary stride-handshake-and-pose. The various speakers did say things that resonated with me and that I remember still: that we didn't attend this school because we want to get rich and famous. That we are trained problem solvers, policy analysts, and managers... if I look back at the reason I attended the program, I know that was the goal. 

I've been comparing this program to how I've heard childbirth is-- it's painful, but as soon as it's over you just think about what the result was, and the bad parts fade. It's worth it. But I don't think I'll have another baby.

After graduation, we went for a picnic in Central Park:

The last two weeks have been filled with fun and family and friends. And New York. I've been to museums and memorials:

9/11 memorial

WTC 1

South Street Seaport

The Cloisters

 and plays:

4000 Miles. (I also saw War Horse tonight by myself)

 and sat in the park...watched Netflix...and eaten oh so much food. 

What's next for me? I go to LA next Thursday when my lease here in NYC is up. The boyfriend has an internship there for the summer, so I'll be applying for jobs there...From New York to New Work. It's probably going to be a weird and challenging transition. I need to create more wildest dreams.

Climate change research at the Earth Institute...and me!

Jeff Sachs, Director of the Earth Institute, giving an introduction to the Research Showcase:

If you want to skip to my section, it starts at 8:38.

Dream=Reality

Just thought I would let you know

I just finished my Master's program. I am done!!! I just submitted my last final, with 20 minutes to spare. And I can say honestly that I've never felt anything like it. I can't believe it's over. Somehow it always felt like this is what I was going to do forever. It became almost my whole life...and it's over. The feeling of accomplishment and excitement is bubbling up finally, and it's preventing me from sitting here any longer. I have spent so much of my time on a computer....
AGH!

Is this the last post that I can tag "esp mpa"? Is it possible that this part of my life is completed? I mean, it is. I guess I'm in shock.

And now I am going out for margaritas.

Today is: Studying all day, inside the 6th floor of SIPA.

The balance of payments model, the open economy, the relative change in expected exchange rates.

Thai food delivery.

This song:

And this spreadsheet, which I built from scratch and am very proud of- I've created a metric for identifying beneficial energy efficiency measures, while staying under budget:

Champagne before noon

Yesterday, two of the most significant and valuable experiences of this program came to a successful end, and were recognized.

In the morning, my workshop team had its final client briefing. I put an enormous amount of work into managing this team project-- I never once said, screw it. I never once gave up, stopped caring, or said it didn't matter. I cared and did my best every day. I really did lead this team to an amazing conclusion, and it feels amazing. It's so worth it. We provided clear and practical environmental and policy advice to a private conservation group in Patagonia...It was one of the biggest reasons this program has been such an amazing and invaluable experience. I brought champagne and gave a pink-themed presentation to my team about their awesomeness, complete with statistics about the project (Deadlines missed: 0. Emails sent: 450. Incidents of unproductive animosity: 0. Fucks that were given: Innumerable.) Then we had a fabulous lunch.

In the afternoon, the Earth Institute had a showcase for the interns and researchers who got funding this year-- my internship was paid for by their fund. I kind of went into a dream vortex when Jeff Sachs gave the introduction to a set of interviews with students working on climate change...and I was one of them. It was like, "Is this real life?" They are going to post the videos online soon...

Then, I went to the dentist and got myself matched with the right shade of tooth...in just over a week, I'll meet my right anterior lateral incisor for the first time ever! (By the way, dental implants are as weird as they sound. They surgically insert a hollow piece of metal, let your gums heal, uncap it, and screw in another piece of metal with a crown on it....wish me luck, and 80% acknowledgement goes to Obamacare.)

In the evening, I had a call in which what had been a potential job offer fell through...but good things are still in the works for me...and not even that could make the day a bad one.

My team and I after the Final program workshop briefing this Wednesday:

The whole bunch:

It takes so long

To tell you everything. Especially when it has been so long since I've told you anything.

So instead of doing nothing, I can only tell you about the things that move me:

And this:

Also, tell everyone you know that I am "an energetic environmental professional with proven effectiveness in complex project management and policy analysis, and a developed specialty communicating information within the government, non-profit, and private sectors." I'm quoting my resume. I have been focusing on energy policy, energy efficiency, and renewable energy in this program, and I know enough about the technical side of things that I can understand engineers (not all the time) and I see myself working within and learning more about energy generation and distribution to identify the areas that need more policy support.

Because you know how Homer Simpson called beer "the cause of, and solution to, all life's problems"? Energy is the same. The way we use it is the source of the biggest problem to ever face humans, and it's also the way we'll solve that problem.

I'm available May 18th. Because I graduate May 17th. Holy moly!!

Moon day

Its so hard sometimes to manage the stress. This life is non stop. No matter how many warriors I summon and inhales and exhales counted, the waves keep coming.

Today is a moon day. The moon is luminous because of reflection. Just like how sometimes reading the email a third time, and not reacting to the parts of it that cause immediate stress, really reflecting on it, reveals the light.

Today Robyn was the soundtrack from the subway to the yoga studio, and I felt so glad that this is my life...the city, Lincoln Center. I felt free. I reflected that some of the best experiences I've had have been in the yoga studio. I wondered if getting to yoga would always feel like a more impressive achievement than anything else. (I applied for a job at the NRDC yesterday, for comparison)

But then the stress always comes back.

One day

 There are 32 pictures in this post. They're mostly cutesy ones. I can get away with this today only.

I wonder how not being in a relationship would have changed my experience living here in New York. I can't really imagine it. I can't think of a single way that my relationship has negatively affected the experience. I can't think of a single way my relationship has negatively affected anything about me or my life. Which is the way it should be. This person is supposed to make your life better-- make the good things better, and the bad things easier. And I have someone who actually thinks my rambling is pleasant. And is pretty strict with me, actually, when I'm complaining, or being a wimp, or not doing what needs to be done. Or worrying. He even tells me what to do about this terrible grad-student insomnia.

He's got a natural togetherness that I love. I LOVE that he FOLDS ALL HIS LAUNDRY. (Seriously, I can't even believe that shit. ...and I love his response to my amazement at that: "What do you want me to do, throw everything in a pile?" Like it's no big deal that he folds everything so neatly. Seriously people, even like undershirts.) Anyway: Happy Valentine's Day!

He drinks margaritas with me

One of the best times we've spent together was this trip to Bakersfield for a conference I was speaking at last year.

Our trip to visit Tucson, before he moved there. 

because his nickname is hippo ...don't ask me, I didn't give it to him. 

BEARD!

My sister's wedding

ROW!

Ahh, this face.

I love how he braves crowds to see floats being blown up.

Central Park + a prime example of how having braces made me look less exuberant and more snooty in pictures. I mean who does she think she is??!

This is always how the ones I take come out.

Patagonia, AZ

Outside Patagonia

Oakland, CA

I just like this one of our feet.

Because this is my blog: My mom and my aunt Jean with baby Gus.

Summer of 2009. 

Valentine's Day, 2010. 

Okay. Now I'm going to a friend's house to watch The Notebook and drink gin.

Who has time?

Not me.

But I wanted to give you an update. I miss giving you updates. Unsolicited Sharing!

I had my dental implant surgery last Friday. I was asleep for more than an hour, groggy for about a day, and just today am able to eat pasta. Good thing too- That's one of my main food groups.

I was selected to be Manager of 12 of my peers in our Workshop this semester. This is the capstone project of this program, and each team performs actual policy analysis work for an actual client. Hello opportunity, I'm Maria!! Our client is an organization called Patagonia Sur, and they want us to conduct a feasibility study to determine whether they should begin a REDD (a UN program, stands for Reducing Emissions from Deforestation and Degradation of Land) project in their lands in Patagonia, Chile. Here's a picture of Patagonia.

So I'm in charge of coordinating...everything. And it's so exciting and challenging. Surprisingly, especially based on last semester, I've been sleeping anyways!

Otherwise this semester hasn't really picked up yet. Still doing the internship...not doing enough job searching...ha! Job searching. Who has time for that? Not me!

Focus on the time you are in right now and don't try to be anywhere else. You will never be in the exact same place again, so learn as much as you can. If you have problems being strategic sometimes, like me, think about things you've done in the past that you don't want to repeat. And just make very small steps towards an idea, no matter how hazy, that will get you somewhere else. That is what I did to get here. I didn't ever say out loud, I can't do this. That part matters too.

I am rusty, as you can see. Too little razzmatazz in this post, and the insights are lite too. My creative energies are going elsewhere, such as to creating a Project Control Plan with 12 separate responsibilities and a calendar and ....a project that could help make the world a little bit better.

This is me today on the way to the post-op appointment. It's snowy and I can't smile because my lip got so swollen...it doesn't look swollen, but it's the gums, or something. They opened everything up!! Ick. Anyway I look more angsty than I am.

<3